


A very thin line

by malakian



Series: Folklore [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Album: folklore (Taylor Swift), Angst and Fluff and Smut, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Bottom Sirius Black, M/M, Minor Sirius Black/James Potter, One-Sided Attraction, Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 04:27:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30083445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malakian/pseuds/malakian
Summary: You're not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now?-Based on the song "exile" by Taylor Swift (from the album "folklore").
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Series: Folklore [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050995
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	A very thin line

12 days. Yes, he was counting them. 12 days since he had last touched Severus, since they had talked for the last time. Lupin had left the dungeons that night with a smile on his face and a warm feeling on his chest. Clinging to Severus's promise to owl him, he had waited. The owl _would_ come — wouldn't it? 

It didn't; not the next day, neither the other, nor the following week. Lupin's hands were now twitching, and he couldn't concentrate properly on anything. It was New Year's Eve; Grimmauld Place was glowing; Sirius was excited for his first proper New Year celebration in years; Harry and the Weasleys were there, as well as a few other members of the Order. He was happy, too. It was heartwarming to see his friend in a bright mood for a change, and he was anticipating more time with Harry. They felt like family — no, they _were_ a family. An unusual one, for sure, but they loved each other and he was excited about this. He truly was.

And yet, his last meeting with Severus was occupying the whole of his mind, especially its brutal interruption by Lord Voldemort's summoning, which had turned a promising night into a bizarre scene: Severus locking up his mind, his eyes clouding, a marble mask covering his face as he swiftly changed from the man Lupin had been sleeping with to the Death Eater. Lupin knew they were objectively the same person, but since that night, after seeing the transformation take place right in front of his eyes, he couldn't help separating them — there was Severus, who would kiss him and pin him to the wall, who would whisper his name and melt inside his embrace; and there was Snape, who would do things he had no intention to learn about. When Severus came back, he was broken: bruised, with a fresh scar, a wrecked body and a devastated mind. The sight of him had torn Lupin's heart apart. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel the warmth of Severus's body against his when he allowed himself to sleep by his side. 

Severus had said he would owl him, so Lupin waited; but the owl never came. However, he reasoned with himself, it had been a tough night; Severus himself had said he didn't know how it would affect his routine; he certainly would need time and space to figure things out. After the intense weeks they had had, those days hit Lupin like a blow, and he couldn't help but speculate that maybe they had reached their breaking point. Even so, he held back and waited. 

On New Year's Eve, he tried to focus on Harry. They had fun cooking with Molly during the afternoon, and then sitting by the fireplace, they talked for hours on end. Nostalgia washed over him, and he let it. 

Sirius was telling Harry some story about their last Christmas break at Hogwarts, and Lupin's mind wandered back in time. He remembered it perfectly. James had gone home to meet Lily's parents, but the rest of them had stayed in school. Sirius had escaped from detention for being out of the Gryffindor tower at night because he was going out with a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor at the same time and had to be inventive when it came to places and hours to meet them. While Sirius was recounting the details of his adventures, Lupin was struck by this weirdly vivid memory of entering the Three Broomsticks, Sirius laughing and boasting loudly about how he had escaped Filch by an inch, and how his chest had been filled with a bittersweet feeling; he was so happy back then, but school was almost over and he had no idea what he would do after. Tears prickled his eyes as he focused on Harry again, now sitting in front of him but completely entranced on Sirius, who was always the bright spot in the room when he was not in that (now so usual) sulky mood. Then more people started to arrive. Moody and Tonks greeted them, and she smiled brightly at him. Feeling a sudden burst of affection towards her, he stood up and gave her a long hug.

It was almost midnight when Dumbledore showed up. Remus was already drowsy; when he saw the man entering the room, his heart skipped a beat and he could not stop his eyes from looking for Severus right behind him. He was not there, obviously. Severus Snape would not stop by to wish everyone a Happy New Year. What a stupid thought, he scorned at himself while downing the rest of his wine and going to the kitchen for more.

"Hi there," he heard Tonks's voice from the door.

"Hey," he replied, pouring the drink. "Wine?"

"Yeah, sure." She came closer so he could fill her glass and eyes him suspiciously. "You okay? You suddenly seem gloomy." 

"What? Oh no," he sighed. "It's just the damn season, you know? Too many memories surface this time of the year, not all of them exactly cosy." He sipped his wine and offered her a warm smile. "But I'm fine, thanks for asking. It's good to know someone's paying attention."

She smiled back and drank. "I'm gonna do something, okay? Just — don't judge me if it's weird or totally inappropriate."

He laughed. "What —", he started to say but then she kissed him, staying on the tip of her toes. The hand cupping his face was cold, but her lips were warm and soft, and he took a second too long to realise what was happening, then he gently backed away. 

"Too weird?" she asked, smirking.

He snorted. "No — I mean, yeah, a bit," and they giggled. "Sorry, I just wasn't expecting it. I've had too much wine." 

"Yeah, I wouldn't have the nerve to do it sober so I went and got myself drunk! Smart choice." 

They stayed in silence, Lupin's mind racing as Tonks blushed. 

"I'm sorry, Tonks, I —" he paused. "You're sweet and beautiful and a good friend but — this doesn't seem right."

She frowned. "Why is that?" 

_I'm in love with someone else_ , he thought.

"I'm too old for you," he said.

She grimaced. "Really? That's your excuse?"

 _I can't stop thinking about Severus Snape_ , he thought. 

"I'm a werewolf," he sighed.

She frowned. "What does _that_ have to do with anything?"

"It complicates my life quite a bit, actually," he said, smiling apologetically.

"You could have just said you didn't fancy me," she replied, her voice now betraying how hurt she was. "There's no need to make up random excuses, you know."

And she left. He had no idea what to do or think because he had never seen any sign that she was interested in him to begin with. They were good friends. He liked her company and had fun when she was around, but she had never said or done anything that could lead him to think that — or had she? Maybe he just wasn't paying attention. Maybe _he_ had sent her the wrong signs without even realising it. He had been so unaccustomed to having friends he might have been too clingy, too close. It had to be his fault.

When midnight approached, he joined the others for a toast, still avoiding looking in Tonks's direction, and managed to stay with them for a while before sneaking upstairs. He finally launched his body in bed and felt his muscles relaxing one by one; his mind, however, was racing more than ever. He had now allowed himself to properly form this thought in his head: he was in love with Severus Snape. He laid in the dark, thoughts overwhelming him as his mind presented him with alternate memories of their last kiss and the troubled look he had seen on Severus's face before leaving the dungeons.

* * *

It had been 12 days, then. No news. No owls. No goddamn Order meeting when he wished them to happen. He knew Severus had been to Grimmauld Place shortly after the New Year's to talk to Harry and there had been some kind of skirmish between him and Sirius, but that had been the exact day he was out on Order's businesses. Lupin had, more than once, scrawled a short message on a piece of parchment, throwing it away before sending it. He did not mean to overwhelm Severus; he had already so much to deal with. Therefore, Lupin held back, burned the messages, and waited patiently. 

When he got the notice of a meeting that Tuesday evening he sighed in relief, but his chest was still heavy with worry. Those days in silence could certainly mean a lot of things, but only two were keeping Lupin awake at night: either Severus was in danger, too busy to even think about anything other than his own survival, or he was done with them. The former was, of course, the worst option, but he wasn't fond of the latter either.

He spent the day with a sickening feeling that something he cherished was falling apart and there was nothing he could do about it. An embarrassed smile twisted his lips when Tonks arrived for the meeting; she hadn't been around since the awkward kiss, and with a deep breath he approached her before.

"Hey, look," he started. "I'm sorry about the other day."

"It's fine, Remus."

"I really like you; you know. I just think we —" 

"Don't worry," she replied airily; her eyes were deliberately avoiding his face.

"Are we good?" he checked with a weak voice, a worried crease between his eyebrows.

"Yeah, of course," and she dismissed him with a half-hearted smile. 

Lupin watched as she walked away, and when Dumbledore's voice greeted him, it took him by surprise; he turned quickly to see the Headmaster and — his stomach jolted — Severus right behind him. 

"Good evening, Albus. Hello, Severus," he added hesitantly. 

Snape offered him nothing but a curt nod, and Lupin followed them to the kitchen, his hands twitching again.

During the meeting, he ventured a few looks at Severus, but the other man's face was turned to Dumbledore and he couldn't see his expression, except for the outline of his nose — and sometimes, if he moved slightly to the side, his mouth. His insides burned when he remembered the taste and texture of Severus's lips. 

"Remus?" Dumbledore called him back, and suddenly everyone was looking at him. The Headmaster offered him a gentle smile. "If you can please report to us your progress on the werewolf matter, we would be very much interested to hear about it."

"Of course, Albus. I got a bit distracted, sorry about that." His cheeks blushing, he ran his hands through his hair and cleared his throat. "Er — werewolves. Very well."

Hoping that no one had seen him thirsting for Severus Snape, he managed to offer his report and follow the rest of the meeting without getting lost in inappropriate thoughts.

The same ritual was followed; at the end of their gathering, Lupin was the first to leave the house. He leaned against the wall on a dark corner of the street, waiting for Severus to come out. When he did, Lupin immediately called him in a silky voice, and Severus turned to him quickly, a warning look on his face. Dumbledore appeared right behind him. 

"Er — can I have a word with you?" Remus said, forcing his voice back to its normal tone, gentle but distant. 

Still startled, Severus half turned to Dumbledore and said, "I'll be with you in a minute, Headmaster —" 

"Oh no, Severus," Dumbledore smiled softly, looking from one man to the other. "By all means, take your time. Just let me know if you need the protection spells to be lifted."

And with a faint _pop,_ he was gone. Severus grabbed Lupin's robes and pulled him out of the light that was bathing the street.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" he whispered threateningly.

"I'm sorry, it just —" Lupin paused and looked down at him, hands gripping the collar of Lupin's robes, their bodies dangerously close, their faces barely inches apart, "— slipped."

Before he could stop himself, he leaned to kiss Severus; he met his mouth halfway there. Their kiss was rough and hushed, Lupin's hands wrapping around Snape's waist to bring him closer as the other man let go of his robes to cup his face. He gently pushed Severus against the wall of the dark corner where they were hidden, pressing his aching body against the other's, his hands sliding down to hold Severus's hips as he thrust against him, eager to touch him as much as he could. Then he broke the kiss and quietly rested his forehead against Severus's, his eyes still closed.

"Fuck, I missed this," Lupin whispered, smiling. He felt Severus pulling him closer with a deep breath, but didn't say anything. Then he was gently pushed away. "I haven't seen you in ages," Lupin murmured, skimming his face.

"Things have been complicated," he answered, looking away from Lupin.

"I figured. You said you'd owl me, so I was patiently waiting like a sensible person, but _Merlin_ , I was going mad already," he laughed. Severus looked at him, his eyes softening a bit, a faint smile on his lips. He opened his mouth to say something, but Lupin cut him off. "Let's have a drink."

Severus gaped at him, then said, "Today is not a good day, I —" 

"Come on, Severus. Just one drink," he said, brushing his fingers on Severus's face. He closed his eyes and instinctively leaned his head towards Lupin's touch.

"I have stuff to do —"

Lupin snorted. "What _stuff_ can you possibly have to do on a Tuesday at —" he checked his pocket watch — "10:39 PM?" 

Severus stared at him, a weird look on his face; Lupin was smiling with his eyes, a warm source in the middle of the winter. Shaking his head, Severus sighed. 

"One drink."

Lupin's smile widened and he reached for Severus's hand, tangling their fingers before Disapparating.

They arrived in an alley not much different from the one where they had had sex for the first time. Transfiguring their robes into Muggle clothes, Severus followed as Lupin led the way, their hands now in their respective pockets.

"Where are you taking me?" Snape asked. 

"I saw this posh place the other day and thought you might enjoy it."

"Why on Earth would I be interested in visiting a posh place? Is that what you think of me?" He tried to sound offended, but it only amused Lupin.

"Oh no, I just thought we might have a good laugh at rich people while ironically drinking their fancy drinks." Severus snorted, and they kept walking in silence for a few minutes. "And here it is."

Severus looked up. It was not a pub; it was a hotel. The old red brick building had three stores and the doors were decorated with what looked like pure gold. "That's not very subtle of you. Are you intending to take me to bed, Remus Lupin?"

Lupin laughed. "What — _here_? I can't afford that, unfortunately. But we could go somewhere else if you —"

"I agreed to a drink; don't get too cocky," he declared, entering the hotel and heading to the bar. 

As usual, Severus looked for a hidden table and cast a few nonverbal spells around it while Lupin went to the bar. When he came back with two glasses of wine, Snape was already seated. The empty chair was facing him; moving it a bit to the left, Lupin sat down and, with a surge of defiance, he stretched one leg, brushing Severus's shin tenderly. He received an ominous look, and raised his eyebrows in a daring response.

"You do realize this will be fun until we can't pay for another round, right?" Severus asked, sipping the wine and tasting its price. It was the kind of thing he drank only when he went to Malfoy Manor. 

Remus sighed. "Yeah, well, thank Merlin you agreed to only one drink." He sipped and licked his lips. "Fuck, this is amazing."

Severus stared at him, mockingly. 

"So how was your New Year's?" Lupin asked. 

Severus shrugged. "Same as always. Toasted with the other teachers and went back to my affairs."

"If you had popped up at Grimmauld Place you certainly could have spared me of a quite embarrassing scene I was involved in."

"I'm sure Black would be delighted with my presence." He sipped again and added, "What happened?" 

"Well," he chuckled and drank again, avoiding the other man's eyes. "Tonks kissed me."

Severus raised his eyebrows. "Is that so?" 

Lupin blushed. "Yeah, it was — _weird_. We were both drunk and she just went for it, but it was awkward as hell."

"You should invest in her." 

Lupin snorted. "Yeah, of course."

"I'm serious," Snape said, putting his glass down. 

Lupin's smile faded and he frowned. "But I don't want to. I'm here with _you_ — we are —"

He stopped in the middle of the sentence, and Severus stared at him, that weird look twisting his face again. Then he let his eyes wander around the room, studying the people who drank and laughed as if nothing weighed on their minds.

"Severus," he heard Lupin's voice from afar. "Have I done something wrong? What's going on?" 

He kept silent for a while, then stared at his wine. He opened his mouth and closed it again, shaking his head as if dismissing an intrusive thought.

"Have you ever had the feeling that you might be doing something for the last time?"

Lupin gaped at him. "Are you dumping me?" 

Severus sneered at him and went silent. Remus tried to read something on the lines of his face, but it was impossible; even though he was not wearing that marble mask he crafted to attend Voldemort's meeting, he was not himself either. There was something out of place, something he had never seen before in Severus's face. Then Lupin realized, with a pain in his chest, that he looked genuinely sad. 

"Severus —"

"It's my birthday."

Remus took a moment to register what he had just heard. "I beg your pardon?" 

Severus looked back at him, a thin, sad smile on his face.

"It's your _birthday_ ? You mean, _today_ ? _As we speak_? January 9th?"

Severus lowered his eyes. "Yeah."

Lupin laughed. "Why didn't you —? Well thank Merlin I brought you _here_ —" he gestured around — "instead of that old cranky pub we usually go to."

Severus snorted and looked at him sideways.

"You should have told me," Lupin said, reaching for his hand. "We could have celebrated it properly." 

"I don't celebrate it. Last time I did was more than 20 years ago," he said, looking at Lupin's hand wrapped on his.

"Look, I know a great deal about awful birthdays, enough to usually don't mind them either. But what I have learned from this is that when we _do_ have the chance to have a good one, we should not waste it. It's still —" he checked his watch — "a quarter past eleven. Let me give you the best 45-minute birthday party you've ever had." 

Severus sipped on his wine again and skimmed Lupin's face before giving him a faint smile. "You really are something, aren't you?"

* * *

  
They Apparated in the middle of a large green area, with hills all around. Everything was dark except for a wooden construction sitting in the heart of the landscape, illuminated by indirect red lights. Above them, there was only the sky, clean and dusted with stars.

"Where are we?" Severus asked; his eyes were glimmering, and his voice was low.

"Kielder Observatory," Lupin answered, watching him with an expectant smile as he put down the bottles of cheap wine they bought before leaving the city. "It's one of my favourite places in the world. I thought you might like it." 

"It's beautiful,'' Severus said in a strangled voice, still looking up.

"I had to improvise, given how short was the notice you gave me, but I hope —"

"Lupin," Severus cut him, turning back to him and looking him in the eye, holding the collar of his coat. "It's perfect."

Remus smiled and leaned forward, kissing him softly. He wrapped his arm around Severus's waist, bringing him closer, cupping his face with the other hand. "Can you cast those spells again?" he muttered.

Snape snorted and reached for his wand, waving it three times. Remus's mind completed each movement with one of the sentences Severus had said on their first night. 

_No one can see us_.

 _No one can hear us_.

 _We won't freeze to death_.

"There you go."

Lupin reached for the first button of Severus's robes. "I swear, I intended to do this slowly, but given the circumstances —"

"Just rip it off."

He did. Then he pushed Severus against the wall of the observatory and sucked on his neck, drawing low moans out of his throat. Severus's eyes were now closed, and Remus licked his collarbone as he pressed their bodies together. He descended slowly, sucking on his nipples and kissing his way down. Dropping to his knees, Lupin pulled down Severus's trousers and pants and spread his legs. His cock was already half-hard, and Lupin stroked it slowly while biting the inside of Severus's thighs; he felt his own dick twitch when Severus moaned louder, tangling his fingers on Lupin's hair and thrusting into his grip. He licked his way to the base of the shaft, his other hand already playing around his entrance. Severus whispered a lube spell; his fingers were covered in something slick and, smiling to himself, he sucked hard on the head of Snape's cock, gently inserting one finger inside him. Snape groaned loudly, hand still holding Lupin's head. Slowly he swallowed his cock whole and, adding a second finger, started fucking him. Severus gasped and Lupin could see the man's legs faltering when he hit the right spot with his fingers.

"Oh fuck, Lupin — this is — I can't —"

He added a third finger, feeling Snape stretching around them and bucking to meet his thrusts. Severus thrust faster, fucking his mouth while being fucked by Lupin's fingers. He could feel the taste of Severus's precome in his tongue; he had missed it, and the fact that his cock was already leaking could only mean that Severus had missed him as much as he had missed Severus. He suddenly withdrew his hand, stopping Snape's thrusts by holding his hips with the other hand.

"Not yet," he said, looking up at Severus's confused and desperate face. Then he pulled him down, laid Severus on the floor and sat on top of his thighs, producing his wand to vanish his own clothes. Severus's cock was swollen, and Lupin took hold of it, slowly stroking it, tracing the head with his thumb. 

"Now look at this," he said, eyes gleaming maliciously. "You seem so ready, so close. Are you close?"

Snape had his eyes closed; his face twitched almost as if he was in pain. "Yes," he whispered.

"Good. That's good. But tonight's your birthday, right? And you won't come until the last minute before midnight. So, take a deep breath and enjoy the ride."

Snape let out a frustrated moan which turned into a pleasant one when Lupin gripped his cock tight around the base. His other hand slithered up to Snape's mouth, and he traced his lips with his fingers. Snape started sucking on them, moaning with each movement of Lupin's hand. Leaving his position on his thighs, he positioned himself over Severus's shaft and, with a hand guiding it, he slowly descended, feeling his insides burning as Severus, with a scream of pleasure, filled him whole. Severus's hands were now gripping Remus's thighs, and he felt the other man's hips involuntarily thrusting inside him, but he stopped the movements with a gentle hand.

"Now, we don't want you to break the rule, do we?" he whispered, taking hold of Severus's hands and moving them to his own cock. Severus started stroking it with one hand, sinking the painted fingernails of the other in Lupin's thigh. Leaning his body back and supporting his weight on his hands, each on either of Snape's sides, Lupin whispered, "Don't stop moving your hand, but don't you _dare_ to move your hips."

Slowly, he started to move his body up and down, controlling the exact rhythm Severus's cock was going in and out of him. He heard the other moaning loudly, a mix of pleasure and frustration for not being allowed to fuck Lupin with the intensity and speed he wished to. Quickening his pace, he felt Severus's hardness hitting him the exact way he liked it, and now he was groaning too, louder with each thrust; he felt his cock beginning to reach the point of explosion and gathered all of his willpower to stop, heaving his body and taking Severus's shaft out of his arse. 

"Is this a birthday gift or a birthday curse, Lupin?" Snape hissed in a frustrated voice while Lupin positioned his knees on Severus's sides next to his chest, his cock now entering Severus’s mouth. He laughed and moaned as Severus swallowed his cock whole, sucking hard on the head as his hand went straight to Lupin's arse and inserting two fingers inside him. He felt his orgasm building, heat pooling on his lower stomach as Snape added a third finger. He was so, so close. He could feel it coming, that blissful exploding sensation — but taking a deep breath, just a second before he exploded inside Snape's mouth, he said, "Stop it."

Snape did, confused, but he didn't offer an answer. Taking his cock out of Snape's mouth and Snape's fingers out of his arse, he shifted his position again. Lupin kneeled between Snape's open legs, lifted one of them and rested it on his shoulder; positioning his shaft on Snape's entrance and smiling slyly at the other man, he entered him in one rough, swift thrust, and Snape howled.

"You like it rough, don't you, Severus?" he asked as he thrust inside Snape at a quick pace, the other man screaming with pleasure as Lupin's cock hit all the right spots inside him in a rhythm his mind was unable to follow. His arse was burning with pleasure and his shaft was so hard now that it was beginning to ache. He felt drops of precome sprinkle on his stomach as his cock swung in the rhythm of Lupin's thrusts. "Are you enjoying this? Do you like it when I fuck you like this?"

"Yes!" he shouted back, unable to control his voice, moving his hips and joining Lupin's rhythm. 

"Beg me to make you come," Lupin whispered. "I won't let you until you beg."

"Please — please, Lupin — I need to —"

"Say my name."

"Please, Remus —"

Giving one final thrust, Lupin felt his mind blowing as his own cock exploded in bliss, filling Severus's arse with his come and moaning loudly; before Severus himself could come, he took his cock out of him. Snape grunted in frustration again, but Remus took his cock in his mouth, sucking hard while pumping it, and he hadn't reached the base for the second time when he felt Severus exploding inside his mouth. He felt a hand on his head, holding it while he thrust inside his mouth, his back arching in pleasure, and Lupin sucked him until his cock started to soften in his mouth. He eagerly lapped each drop of Severus's cum that had escaped his mouth. Swallowing the last of it, he laid on top of the other man, kissing him deeply. Their softened and exhausted cocks touched, and Lupin couldn't stop himself from thrusting lazily against Severus, who deepened the kiss, pulling him closer and wrapping his legs around him, thrusting back. Then slowly they broke the kiss; Lupin pressed their foreheads together, eyes still closed, cupping his face with one mouth. Then he opened his eyes and looked inside Severus's, still gleaming with lust. 

Smiling softly, he whispered against Severus's lips, "Happy birthday."

* * *

The heating spell made sure they wouldn't freeze sitting half-naked in the open field, their coats outstretched as blankets, as they drank wine straight from the bottle. Severus was looking at the sky, still marvelled by the number of stars shining above them. Lupin's eyes were locked on his face; it was softer than he had ever seen it. He gulped the wine and passed the bottle back. 

"What were you talking about back at the bar?" he asked, and Severus looked at him inquiringly, a distracted smile playing around his lips as if his mind was miles away. "You talked about living something for the last time, then you told me it was your birthday. What the hell was that about?"

Severus sipped the wine and sighed, the lines of his face hardening a little as his eyes grew darker. "There's a war about to explode, if you haven't noticed. You know very well how vulnerable my position is. I don't think I'll be around much longer."

Lupin frowned. "Don't say that."

Severus shrugged. "It's the truth. And the closer it gets, the more vulnerable I am." He sipped again. "There will come a time when this —" he trailed off and sighed. His face was charged with the sadness Lupin had seen earlier. "One day you will look back and will not understand how you could have ever touched me."

Lupin gaped at him. "Why are you saying that?"

"Because that's what will happen, Lupin. My job is to do things no one else has the guts to do. One day, one of these things will make you hate me. Until the war is over it is very likely that you will wish at least once that you had killed me in my sleep."

He took another gulp and lit a cigarette. Lupin watched him for a long time before speaking again. Then he reached for Severus's cigarette and took it to his own mouth.

"Sometimes I have the feeling I don't know you at all," he said in a low voice. Severus stared at him, but said nothing. "I didn't even know it was your birthday." 

Snape snorted. "Well, it's not something I go around telling everyone."

"I'm not everyone," he replied in a hurt voice.

"I know you're not," Severus said, looking at him. "And you know it now. I even let you throw me a birthday party, didn't I?"

"Well, that's a start, I suppose," he said, taking Severus's cigarette again. "But I would love to know more."

"There's nothing to know, Lupin."

Lupin chuckled. "Of course there is." He looked around, gesturing at the hills and the sky. "Look at where we are: this is the perfect place to share secrets about ourselves. The stars are our only witnesses."

Severus studied his gleaming eyes. How could he resist those eyes?

"It's your turn to share something, then," he said with a sigh.

Lupin smiled. "What do you want to know?" 

"How old were you when you were bitten?"

Lupin grinned, his eyes darkening a little. "Thought we were going to keep it light, but okay." He inhaled and puffed again. "It happened just a little short of my fifth birthday." 

Severus frowned at the thought that he had more years of a normal childhood than Lupin.

"Are your parents still alive?" Lupin asked.

Severus did not look at him. "No. Yours?"

"No." He paused for a bit. "Do you miss them?" 

Severus stayed silent for a while. Then he said, quietly, "Not really. Sometimes my mother, sometimes what my father once was. But in general, no."

Lupin took the wine and sipped. He stole one of Severus's cigarettes and lit it.

"You don't actually smoke, do you?" Snape asked, sneering at him.

"Nah, not really. I'm just hoping I can look as sexy as you do when you light one."

Severus snorted and lit one, too. Lupin reached and put a strand of Severus's hair behind his ear. "Are you afraid of dying?" he asked in a low voice.

"In general, or in the war?"

Lupin laughed. "Does it make a difference?"

"Of course it does." He puffed. "In general, I would say yes, of course, everyone is a bit, I guess. But in the war — no, not really. I've been preparing myself for 15 years. I'm ready for it."

Lupin reached a hand and gently touched Severus’s thigh. "Is that so?" 

Severus shrugged. "It comes with the job, I guess. I know very well that each step I take gets me closer to it. If I let fear overtake me, then I'm useless to the Order." 

They shared the bottle once more, and Severus looked at him sideways. "Are you? Afraid of dying?"

Lupin sighed. "Yeah. Terrified, actually," he said with a sad smile. "I remember the palpable feeling of despair when I was a kid, the absolute certainty that I would never be happy, that I was forever doomed to an existence of pain and misery. But everything changed when I went to Hogwarts." His eyes lightened up a bit, and his face softened. "Despite the low points, I was genuinely happy for seven years. Then I lost all my friends, and I was drowned again by that feeling of hopelessness; there were nights when I almost gave up. But I didn't. I went back to Hogwarts, had a good year, got to be near Harry again — and I love him like family, you know? I got Sirius back. Merlin, I had missed him so much. Lately, I had been feeling overwhelmed by everything again, as if the world was falling apart irreparably, and despair was flowing inside me once more but now... there's you." He smiled to himself, eyes twinkling in the night. "I'm afraid of dying in the middle of a good thing and never getting to enjoy it properly. I'm afraid of dying in one of the lows and miss the next high. I guess it is really mature of you to feel ready — but I'm not there yet."

Severus's expression had hardened, and he seemed to be thinking about something that had happened a long time ago. "You really were happy back then? When we were at Hogwarts, I mean. Despite the painful transformations, despite… everything."

"Yeah, it was — magical, I think. It felt like entering a new world, starting a brand-new life." He sipped the wine and lifted his eyes to Severus, who had a strange look on his face. "I know it wasn't like that for you, and I know I am partially to blame for that. I'm really sorry for that."

Their eyes met and something shifted behind the black ones. 

"Well, I apologize for getting you fired and ruining your first good year in decades," Severus said in a low voice.

Lupin laughed. "Payback, I guess?" He squeezed Severus's thigh, then laid down and rested his head on his lap, looking up at him. "I was bound to leave anyway. Cursed position or whatever.”

Severus ran his fingers through Lupin's hair and frowned. 

"I freaked out, I — I couldn't think properly —"

"Severus, stop. _I_ was the one not thinking properly. I put you all at risk, and it was a miracle that the worst outcome of it all was just me getting fired. Really." He raised his hand and cupped Severus's face. "I don't blame you at all, and I hope you don't either."

Severus gave him a curt nod, and his shoulders seemed to relax a bit.

"So how did you like your birthday this year?"

His fingers were now resting near Remus's mouth, and he traced Lupin's lips with his thumb, a soft smile dancing in his lips, though his eyes still gleamed sadly. "Best I've had in decades —" and he added with a quirk on his lips — "but not the first one watching the stars, unfortunately. Though I appreciate the effort."

" _What_?" Lupin got up fast, mocking an angry face. "Who was the one to beat me on that?"

Severus grinned but there was something twisted about his smile. "An old friend, a long time ago." He giggled quietly as Lupin indignantly murmured, _Unbelievable_. He paused and looked around, and his mind seemed to be making a decision. A few seconds later, he looked at Remus, seeming determined. "Would you like to see the place?" 

Lupin's eyes widened in surprise, then he beamed at him. "Yes! Absolutely."

* * *

They were on top of an almost deserted hill. There was nothing around except for a few scattered trees. Out of their heating charm, the cold wind was slashing against their faces and Lupin closed his arms around himself to keep the warmth from leaving his body; he looked around, intrigued, trying to learn where they were. Severus stood there for a while, hands inside his pockets; his hair was blowing violently around his face and his eyes had a strange gleam.

"Where are we?" Lupin's question brought him out of his thoughts.

"This is where I used to play when I was a kid." He gave a few steps towards one of the trees, where Lupin saw the remains of a decrepit treehouse. "When I turned eleven a friend brought me here with a telescope to watch the stars. We were a bit of astronomy freaks back then," he added with an embarrassed smirk, but there was affection on his face. 

"That's really sweet," Lupin smiled back. "So, you grew up near here?"

He nodded and looked away from the treehouse. "Across the river." 

Severus pointed to a dirty river crossing the town right below the hill. Even in the dark, Lupin could see how the houses were different where Severus was pointing to; they were darker, smaller, squeezed together.

"That's the dodgy part of town." Severus paused, then added, "I spent my childhood running around those streets and the woods behind them. This," he gestured at the hill and the houses on the other side of it, "is the fancy part. Or at least it used to be, nothing is fancy around here anymore. I didn't start coming here until I was nine." 

"What happened when you were nine?" Lupin asked, looking back at him; his eyes were distant when he answered.

"I made a friend from the fancy side of the river."

Lupin nodded and smiled, more to himself than to any other person. "Friends do change things sometimes," he added in a weak voice.

Severus kept silent.

"Can I see the house where you grew up?" Lupin added hesitantly.

Severus's shoulders tensed again. "There's nothing special about it, on the contrary."

"I don't care. Would it be okay either way?"

Severus shrugged. "I guess."

He went down the hill and Lupin followed him. They walked in silence, entered a narrow street and followed it until the end. Lupin saw an enormous chimney towering over the brick houses. Severus stopped in front of the very last house on the street. Before Lupin could say anything, he reached for the doorknob.

"What are you —?" Lupin started but Severus cut him off.

"I still live here," he said, opening the door and stepping aside. "Come on in."

Lupin gaped at him, then entered. Severus walked in behind him and closed the door.

Remus was not expecting to actually enter Severus's childhood home, given he had just found out about his birthday. The conversation they had had at the observatory was sort of intimate, but he felt like this was the closest he would get to find out that night. When Severus opened the door and invited him in, his insides were twitching in anticipation. But what he saw was not really surprising: the living room was small and packed with books, the walls completely covered in bookshelves. The lights, which Severus had just turned on, barely illuminated the place, keeping it with a permanent atmosphere of secrecy. There were piles of parchment on a small table near an armchair, topped with a few quills. The inside of the house was as old as its outside, and apart from the quills (and probably the titles of the books), one would never say this was the home to a wizard.

"I haven't been here in a while, please ignore the mess." He looked at Lupin sideways, and his stomach dropped when he saw that Lupin was laughing. "Why are you laughing?" 

"I'm not laughing _at you_ , I'm laughing at the fact that I always wondered if you lived inside a library, and this is pretty damn close. It is exactly what I imagined your house would look like," Lupin said, reaching for Severus's waist and pulling him closer. "It's adorable."

"'Adorable' is a stretch, Lupin. Weren't you expecting weird-looking, clearly Dark Arts related objects lying around? Curses flying at any intruder?" Severus asked, his mouth twisted in a mocking smile, but avoiding his eyes.

"Oh no, you were always subtler than that."

Lupin bent down for a kiss, but Severus stopped him, looking into his eyes. 

"I don't have good memories of this place."

Lupin cupped his face and traced his lips with a thumb. "How about we create a few by fucking against the kitchen counter?"

* * *

It was the eve of the second full moon since they were... doing whatever they were doing. Severus was growing steadily unquiet in the last few days. He had been brewing Wolfsbane for Lupin again on Dumbledore's request since the Order had been restored, but he usually sent it through someone. Avoiding Lupin whenever it was possible had always been a pleasure to him. The previous month — even after they had started meeting in dark alleys, kissing hushedly and breathlessly, tasting each other hungrily — he had contented himself to stop by Grimmauld Place and leave the potion in the kitchen under Molly Weasley's guard. She would make Lupin drink it. The full moon that month had been nothing but an inconvenience, a night they were supposed to grind their bodies together and was spent alone instead.

This time, however, it felt different; he wanted to make sure Lupin would drink the potion, but not for the usual motives: he wished to ensure Lupin was not endangering someone, of course; nonetheless, he also needed to be certain that Lupin himself would be safe and sound. Severus didn't know why this preoccupation was living in his mind, yet it was. 

Since that last meeting with Voldemort, he had been constantly on edge; he knew he was supposed to end things, that it was too dangerous, that each time they met he got closer to either blowing his cover or getting Lupin killed; when he was particularly gloomy, he was sure both outcomes would become true. He had tried to stop seeing him. The first thing that crossed his mind in the morning was starting to stray away from Lupin's eyes and how they smiled along with his mouth when they met again. And exactly on his birthday. He wasn't usually that vulnerable on that date, but Lupin had gotten to him somehow, and he ended up sharing too much — his birthdate, his memories, his goddamn house.

And then there was the whole fucking-against-the-kitchen-counter thing. It was supposed to be impersonal, just like their first time in the alley, a big _Fuck you_ to his homophobic father, and, to some extent, it was. This time, however, there was something else hovering over them, and there was gentleness even in Lupin's rough touch, the looks they shared while kissing were too deep, his smile at him after they finished too beautiful. That bloody smile, that made his stomach jolt and sent a response to his own lips immediately. 

He woke up early. Finishing brewing the Wolfsbane, he filled up a bottle and apparated to London. It was still dark when he entered Black's house in silence and went up the stairs to the second floor, stopped in front of Lupin's door at the end of the corridor and quietly tapped on it. He heard movement and steps inside the room, then through the crack of the door he saw a disgruntled and — _Fuck_ , he thought, his insides turning — endearing face.

"Severus?" he frowned, opening the door a bit more. "Is everything alright?" 

"Can I come in?" he murmured, looking away from those eyes before he drowned in them.

"Of course," Lupin said, stepping aside. Severus walked in and closed the door behind him, then measured Lupin, head to toe. He looked awful already, dark circles around his red eyes, a pained expression that showed he was already suffering even before transforming. Severus wondered how it must be to have your whole body stretched and moulded into something else against your will, and a chill ran through his spine. He dismissed these thoughts and focused on Lupin's face, still puzzled by the unexpected early visit. 

"I brought you your potion," Severus finally said, reaching for the bottle inside his robes.

"You came all the way here to bring it to me? In-person?" Lupin smiled. "To what do I owe the honour?"

He reached for Severus's waist and pulled him closer.

"No, we shouldn't," Severus deflected the kiss. "Not here. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Oh, I'm awful, I desperately need a kiss."

Severus snorted. "Stop it."

He looked up and there it was — Lupin's pleading eyes, that ridiculously magnetic smile.

"Stay with me just for a while," he whispered. 

Severus cupped his face and studied him, feeling his insides melting slowly. He forced himself to shake his head. "No, not here."

"Let's snog like two hormonal teenagers," insisted Lupin, a malicious smirk on his lips.

Severus raised his eyebrows. "That's tempting."

"I know it is," Lupin said, leaning down towards Severus and gently placing their lips together. They kissed slowly and Lupin tightened his grip around his waist. He pulled away from his mouth and leaned against his forehead.

"Stay," he whispered.

Severus looked into his eyes and smiled thinly, then nodded. Beaming, Lupin pulled him for another kiss and guided him to bed.

* * *

  
Opening his eyes in the dark, Sirius couldn't see a thing, but he was sure to have heard steps on the staircase. Sometimes his heightened senses felt more like a curse. It was probably just someone going downstairs for water. He sighed and pressed his forehead, now feeling a constant pounding in it. There was really no use in trying to sleep anymore. He was getting used to getting no more than 3 hours of rest and then proceeding to overthink everything, from Voldemort's ascension to the fact that he had spent the whole of his adult life imprisoned — first in Azkaban, now in this nightmare of a house. And then there was Lupin, of course. He couldn't get him out of his mind.

What he felt for Remus had always seemed right. He loved Lupin, of course; he was one of his best friends, and there was nothing wrong with acknowledging the fact that he loved him. What was actually wrong in every possible way was what he felt for James — that was something else completely. Since their first encounter aboard the Hogwarts Express, he felt a pull, some unknown force that drew them together, something he had never felt before towards any other person. At first, he mistook it for friendship as well. They were not just friends; they were _best_ friends.

It wasn't until their 4th year that Sirius fully grasped the meaning of what was going on inside his head, but then it was too late. James was already inebriated by Lily, and so clearly not into men, that Sirius gave up without even trying. He could not risk losing his best friend. What if it didn't work out? What if they hurt each other in some irreparable way? Or worse, what if he gathered the courage to confess his feelings and James laughed at him, or was disgusted by him? He had waited too long to have a friendship like that, and even though it was not everything that he wanted, it would have to be enough. 

He was 14 when he kissed a boy for the first time, and relief flooded him when it didn't feel wrong. He anticipated his feelings for James might feel reprehensible because they were both boys, and his whole family had followed the traditional script: boy meets girl, they get married, have children, make sure the noble House of Black continues its legacy. He was also afraid that he might like James simply out of spite, that he would like to date him _exactly_ because it would be a terrible stain to his already tainted name. He felt trapped between feeling wrong for liking boys and liking boys because it felt wrong. So, when he kissed that boy — Dean was his name, Dean Macmillan — he felt refreshed. There was _nothing_ wrong with him, after all. He went to sleep with his mind racing, heart thumping in his ears. The next day he would wake up and stop feeling guilty about his affection for James. 

Next morning, however, when he put his eyes on his best friend — messy hair, eyes still half-closed as he complained about waking up too early to practice Quidditch — he felt his stomach sink. There it was, the same remorse, the same overwhelming sensation that he was doing something awfully, terribly wrong. It hadn't left him at all.

It took him most of his 4th and a good part of his 5th year, as well as a large number of mouths and hands and bodies pressed against walls of dark corridors until he finally understood that what was wrong about his feelings for James was that they would never be fulfilled. James would never like him back, not in the way he liked James; they would never kiss as he had kissed all those boys and girls, James's body would never be one of the bodies he pressed against cold walls on summer nights. James would never love him back, not like this; he would never desire him, would never long for his touch like Sirius did, his heart racing whenever James hugged him, or their hands brushed unexpectedly. He was unreachable, and that was what made Sirius feel consumed by guilt: he wanted something his friend could never give him — and deep down, even though he consciously knew he could never demand something like this from James, he resented him.

The process of realizing this was slow and painful; it made him feel out of his mind for long periods of time, as if he was dissociating to avoid facing what it all meant. There were moments when he would do things he later didn't quite remember or couldn't believe he had done, like when he sent Snape down the Shrieking Shack tunnel and almost turned Remus into a murderer. Even then, however, his mind would quickly dismiss whatever he had done and twist the events into something more palatable: Snape had asked for it, he was always snooping around; Sirius may have been irresponsible and inconsequential for sending him to the Shack, but no one got actually hurt. Everything had been fine in the end, hadn't it?

He couldn't remember when his guilt faded away. One day he saw James leaving the shower after a Quidditch match (towel wrapped around his waist, drops of water still dripping from his hair to his chest) and felt nothing. When he realised it, his stomach twisted somehow unpleasantly; at the same time, he felt an enormous weight being lifted from his shoulders. He was free at last. 

His freedom lasted until the Christmas of 1986. Peter had been threatened by his mother of being disowned if he missed another family holiday, and Remus, who had been in a mood for days, decided last minute that he missed home, so Sirius and James spent the break by themselves, sneaking to Hogsmeade, roaming the school grounds, hexing inadvertent passersby in the corridors. On Boxing Day, after smuggling a few bottles of firewhiskey to their bedroom and getting their asses drunk, things swiftly got out of hand. It started with James unexpectedly leaning towards him, eyes a little out of focus, and brushing his lips shyly; it turned into a rough kiss, and before he knew he was giving head to James Potter; by midnight they were fucking relentlessly, Sirius on his fours in the four-poster bed while James thrust roughly inside him, making him see stars, the sounds of skin slamming against skin mixing with their loud groans. The feeling of being fucked by James Potter was probably the best memory he had, and by the time they woke up the next day, sore and with a heavy hangover looming over them, he was already completely in love again, now convinced that everything he had fantasized for years (and that he had buried inside him, covered with memories of other boys and girls until he thought he had forgotten about it) was now bound to become reality. 

But James immediately shut it down by playing boring, expected cards to excuse what had happened. "We were drunk", he said. "We had no idea what we were doing," his voice reached Sirius's ears from afar. "We're just best mates, right?" he laughed embarrassedly. "Let's just forget that it ever happened". What should Sirius have done — fight back? Say, "No, we're more than best mates, I know exactly what we were doing, and I would do it again, sober this time, because I will never be able to pretend it never happened"? Maybe, but he didn't. "Don't worry, mate, I don't remember anything after the first bottle," he heard his reply in a mechanical voice and went to the shower. 

Things came back to normal. Remus and Peter returned a few days before the break ended, and he and James never addressed what happened while their friends were away. Sirius remembered overthinking Remus's glazes; it was as if he had been there in the dormitory that night and had seen every second of it. But there was no way of Remus actually knowing about it, not for real. He could only guess — and, when Sirius was honest with himself, he probably did; he always had the feeling Remus could read him like one of those old library books he was always carrying around — but he never said anything. Life went on. 

Sirius had a few blows in the next few years — James started dating Lily and followed the same script the Black family had expected from Sirius: engagement, marriage, a kid. Each of these milestones hurt Sirius like hell, as if someone had punched him in the face and spat upon him, but he never faltered on his loyalty to James: he cheered when he heard about their relationship; bought James an expensive bottle of the finest firewhiskey, as well as a golden bracelet for Lily as engagement gifts; toasted to them and gave his speech as their best man at the wedding; cried with all his heart when he was made Harry's godfather, holding the little boy in his arms and recognizing him as probably the best thing that would ever happen to him. In a complex, multi-layered way, he was genuinely happy for James.

And then, in one night, his whole life fell apart. 

He spent every day of the next 12 years blaming himself for playing a vital role in the death of the only person he had ever truly loved, and he couldn't remember feeling anything positive again until the moment he saw Remus Lupin again. 

Sirius was roaming the edge of the Forbidden Forest, trying to figure out how he would enter the castle to take hold of Wormtail, when he saw someone strolling toward the Whomping Willow. He recognized Remus's pace immediately and hid behind a tree, watching as his old friend stared at the Willow for a long time; when he heard him sobbing, Sirius had to gather all of his self-control to refrain from turning back into his human form and presenting himself before Remus — but thankfully he was able to hold back his heart's desire. He couldn't be so foolish as to ruin his chances of getting hold of Peter, not when he was so close to finally avenging James's death. But he felt something different that night, after so many years in hopeless desperation. The warmth started on his chest and spread to the rest of his body, and it kept him strong in the path he knew he had to walk.

"Lie low at Lupin's for a while," Albus ordered almost 2 years later, and he did. When he got to Remus's house, they hugged for a long time. He missed body contact, the illusion of safety he could find only in someone's arms. He buried his face in Remus's neck, inhaling deeply. He smelled like warm tea and autumn afternoons, and Sirius tried to remember if that had always been his fragrance, but whenever he thought about their days in Hogwarts the only scent that came to his mind — cedar and grass — was James's.

That warm feeling lasted no more than a couple of weeks. Lying low at Lupin's had not been that easy, after all.

* * *

With a heavy sigh, Sirius's mind was back in his dark bedroom. He sat on his bed, pinching the bridge of his nose, and thought about the cabinet where he kept the medicinal potions — some he had brewed himself, some that had been brewed by Remus or one of the other current occupants of the house, others (the majority, actually) that Snape brought regularly, certainly on Dumbledore's orders. Was there anything there to placate his headache or had he managed to make his way through all of them? He got up in the dark and quietly opened his door, checking the corridor to see if someone was around. Treading lightly, he went downstairs and into the kitchen, where he opened a cabinet in the corner and, sighing in relief, grabbed the last vial of a soft green potion. Downing its content, he went back up the stairs; instead of entering his bedroom, he followed the corridor until the end, stopping at the very last door. His ears were buzzing when he reached for the doorknob, and he rested his hand on it for a while before making up his mind and turning it.

What had happened between him and Lupin last Summer had been intense, but ended weirdly and uncomfortably, yet Sirius had held on to it as if it had been the best thing in the world. Probably because, at least in his new life after Azkaban, that was true. The moment they broke their hug, without a second thought, Sirius launched for Remus's mouth, and his chest swelled in satisfaction when the other man kissed back. It lasted a long time, and it was rough, albeit drenched in feelings, history, and shared memories. Sirius felt like he was still too broken from prison to keep control of his body for more than 10 minutes, but he felt at ease with Remus. He allowed himself to be vulnerable for the first time in years. Sex hadn't crossed his mind in the last miserable decade he had lived until the moment he saw himself under Remus Lupin, pleasure piercing his body. It felt too good.

Well, for Sirius it was really, really good. He had forgotten how it felt to be desired, to feel good things, to be consumed by thrill and heat instead of grief and desolation. He couldn't remember how it felt to have a mouth touching his own or kissing his body; he had forgotten the sensation of a tongue rounding his prick, extracting bliss with each suck; he couldn't recollect the heavenly agony of exploding inside someone's mouth as they gripped his thigh and moaned along with him. He had, above all, erased from his memories the mind-blowing sensations of having a cock pounding heartily into his arse. It had been a long time since he had last cum along with someone, and they stared at the ceiling for long minutes after, gasping for air and trying to calm their minds again.

For Remus, however, it was out of this world. He couldn't quite place it when exactly he had fallen for Sirius, but it had been a constant feeling since what felt like forever. He remembered it being there for most of their years at Hogwarts, even though it took him quite some time to make peace with what he felt about his friend. He thought it was just, you know, friendship. But when he realized it wasn't, he realized something else at the same time: Sirius did not reciprocate. It would be easier to move on if he was just not into boys; he could just put Sirius on this altar as the straight friend he had a crush on. In the end, it became clear very quickly that Sirius did fancy blokes, but while Remus was in love with him, he was utterly devoted to James. To Remus, it felt like a blow to his heart. And when he understood that something had happened between the two during that Christmas break, he silently hoped that the fallout would make Sirius finally pay attention to him. Sirius, however, went on kissing every goddamn boy and girl in the school except for him, the one who would be willing to make him happy forever. After Hogwarts, life got in their way. Everything went wrong, and after suffering for a long time for not dating Sirius, one day he woke up and he had lost everything else. That unrequited love suddenly seemed selfish, ridiculously small before the whole picture. 

Remus could not begin describing the feeling that filled him when their mouths touched for the first time — and it happened again, the second, third and hundredth times all filled him with pure joy. That lasted for about 20 days. It was enough for him to pour his heart into their every interaction while at the same time realizing that Sirius was acting weird. Remus felt as if he had to hold him by the edges the whole time. He tried to reason with himself. Sirius had been locked in Azkaban for 12 years, kept away from every human contact, robbed of the possibility of growing emotionally. Remus understood that. He was willing to help, to offer a hand, to be by Sirius's side as he walked through all this. He truly was. But the problem was not that, it was how Sirius looked at him — as if he was talking to a wall or rather as if he was seeing another person in his place. 

One night, they were sleeping together — well, Sirius was sleeping soundly; Remus was awake, unable to even close his eyes without delving into a spiral of guilt and jealousy and shame. He shifted in bed, adjusting his weight, and Sirius put his arm around his waist, pulling him closer and sinking his nose in his neck. He murmured four words, four words that Remus heard very distinctly, albeit he tried hard to convince himself he had misheard them. He felt his stomach burning, the hot mess of feelings he had been battling with rising to his chest and piercing his heart like knives; he wanted to scream and break things, he thought about running away and never coming back. Instead, he closed his eyes, tears running down his face, and he rested in Sirius's arms for the rest of the night even though he had just heard him mumbling, "I've missed you, Prongs."

* * *

Sirius hated his heightened senses. That night more than ever. He wasn't supposed to actually _see_ things when it was this dark, yet when he opened the door to Remus's room he did: Remus was sitting in bed, shirtless, and Snape was sitting on his lap, knees on the sides of Lupin's body, and they were kissing. No, not _kissing_ — they were _snogging like bloody teenagers_ , thrusting their bodies together and moaning softly as they sucked on each other's faces. Remus's hands were gripping Snape's buttocks, and Snape had his fingers tangled on his hair, pulling his face closer. Their kiss had the urgency of the end of the world, and anyone watching it would think it was their last day on Earth. It lasted only a second — Sirius turned on the lights, and Remus broke the kiss, a crease between his eyes just before they widened as he registered who was at the entrance of the room. Snape, however, immediately looked back and pushed himself off his lap, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and looking down at the floor at a loss, apparently too startled to do something. The trio stayed like this for a few seconds, and then Snape stormed to the door with mad eyes. Just for once, Sirius decided to not bother him, and immediately stepped away so he could leave. Then he turned to Remus, who was still sitting in bed looking confused.

"Are you fucking serious, Moony? Bloody _Snivellus_?"

The nickname seemed to snap him out of his haze, and he immediately got to his feet and went to the door. Sirius reached a hand, trying to get hold of his arm, but Remus pushed him away and hissed, "Stay the _fuck_ out of this."

Remus ran down the corridor and managed to reach Snape when he was going downstairs.

"Severus, wait!" Snape stopped in his tracks. Remus could see his shoulders going up and down, trying to control his breath. He decided to use the short time he had before Snape burned down the house with all of them inside. "I won't let him — I promise he won't tell anyone about this. You have my word."

Snape was now very still. Then he slowly looked back at him, and he had a puzzling, distant expression of which Remus was not fond.

"Make sure you drink your potion, Lupin. Don't kill anyone."

Then he descended the rest of the steps and left, leaving Lupin looking heartbroken.

"Where's your boyfriend?" Came a sneering voice from behind him.

Remus spun on his heels and stared at Sirius. All the jealousy and anger that had been bubbling inside Sirius until the second before dissipated in the brief moment their eyes met. He was hurt in a way Sirius didn't remember seeing before. He had barely opened his mouth to say something — he didn't even know what — when Lupin stormed down the hall to his room and closed the door with a bang.

* * *

The full moon passed as smoothly as possible for Remus, who had been safe in his room thanks to the Wolfsbane. He also had the impression that his subsequent symptoms had been milder this time, which made him wonder if Severus had made any changes in the recipe. He hadn't seen Sirius since that godforsaken morning, and he prepared himself for whatever was waiting for him downstairs. When he entered the kitchen, he was relieved to see that they were not the only people in the room, so he was safe; Sirius would not bring up the subject in front of everyone. Or at least, he wouldn't make a scene.

"Remus, dear," Molly smiled at him from the other corner of the room. "How are you feeling?"

He offered her a warm smile. "I'm quite alright, Molly."

"That's great, really. No!" She shouted, startling everyone. She was looking straight at Lupin, who was about to bite a sausage. "Sorry, dear, but don't eat it just yet. Professor Snape left you something, let me fetch it for you."

"Why — Severus left me — I'm sorry, what?" Lupin split words in confusion.

"Why yes, Severus. I never quite know how to call him. He stopped by quite early and left a potion for you. Said it would help with your — er — post-transformation symptoms, but he made it very clear that you had to drink it before breakfast, otherwise it wouldn't work." She came to him with a small bottle filled with a deep blue potion. "There you are."

Lupin stared at the bottle for a few seconds, a warm feeling rising in his chest and, he could tell, in his face. 

"Thank you, Molly," he managed to say in a weak voice.

Still looking at the glass vial, his legs took him automatically to his usual seat at the table, and only when he raised his eyes and met Sirius's mocking expression, he became aware of his surroundings again. Furrowing his brow, he uncorked the bottle and drank it all at once.

"What a gentle and caring man Snape is," Sirius murmured, and all the faces turned to him. Remus ignored his statement, now filling his plate with everything he could find. 

Even though he did his best, Remus could not ignore the gazes and small mocking noises Sirius was making during breakfast. It was an awkward meal, and everyone left the table as soon as they were finished, except for the two of them — Remus because he was still eating, Sirius because he was still staring.

"Do you actually have something to say or are you just enjoying yourself being an insufferable git?" Remus finally asked, resting his fork and looking directly into Sirius's eyes.

"You're dating Snivellus."

"I'm not _dating_ anyone — and even if I was, it would be none of your fucking business."

"If not dating — shagging, then. You were snogging him in my house." His voice was still low, but it had a ringing to it that Remus didn't like. 

"Well, if it bothers you so much, I'd be glad to leave and find somewhere else to stay, then."

"Oh, is that how serious you two are? You'll find a place to live happily ever after with him?"

Remus snorted. "I'm not gonna _marry_ Severus, for fuck's sake. But if I can't snog whoever I want to in this house, then I don't think I am really welcome here." He downed a goblet of pumpkin juice and looked back at him. "I'm not your problem anymore, am I? So, tell me, who am I offending now by kissing someone? Are you pissed because it was Severus or because it wasn't you?"

Remus knew he had hit the nail on the head. Sirius stared at him for a while, and while his eyes were still angry, when he spoke his voice was emanating genuine sadness.

"You broke my fucking heart."

" _I_ broke —?" Remus laughed bitterly. "It's funny how you twist the actual narrative to fit the story you want to tell yourself. You have always done that."

"You left me, Moony! Last summer we were together, and I was happy for the first time in years, and then one morning you dumped me. You never even gave me a reason!"

"I didn't want to hurt you any more than it would already, but I just couldn't —"

"Why? Just tell me —"

"Because you were not with _me_! You were living some kind of lucid dream of your happily ever after with _James_ , not with me! Do you think I didn't see that when you looked at me you saw him? Do you actually think I never noticed that when you kissed me, that kiss was meant to him? That each time I fucked you, you fantasized that he was the one fucking you? Do you honestly think I never knew you loved him?"

Sirius was sitting very still, staring at him. His chest was barely moving, and Remus hid his face in his hands. They were silent for minutes on end.

"We always walked a very thin line, Moony. The three of us. It took me ages to have the guts to kiss you because even though you knew I fancied boys you never gave me a warning sign that you liked me."

"I never —? Don't add insult to injury, Sirius. I gave so many signs. So — many — _fucking_ — signs. All those years I spent _begging_ for your attention, orbiting around you in hopes that you would understand it and you have the nerve to say that —"

"Well, I'm sorry if I never learned to read your mind." 

"You bloody well could've tried a bit; I wasn't exactly hiding it." He rubbed his eyes. "It's been almost 20 years, Sirius. And what happened last summer was —"

"— the best thing that happened to me in 15 years," Sirius murmured. 

Lupin swallowed hard and nodded. "It was the same for me. It was insanely good while it lasted —"

"And yet it took you five minutes to pack us up and leave me. What am I supposed to do with everything that I feel for you?"

"You don't love me like that, Padfoot. Not really. We both know it. Look at me." Their eyes met and a few seconds passed before Remus resumed talking. "I can't — and won't ever — ask you to stop loving James, but you can't ask me to settle for a love that was never meant for me."

It was Sirius's time to swallow hard and nod. He looked down at his hands. When he spoke again, his voice was low and hoarse. "I couldn't turn things around, Moony. I wanted to; I really did. And I tried so hard."

"I know."

"I don't know how to explain, because I know his death hit you hard, too. But what I felt — it was as if I lost something that I could never really leave behind. Something that will always be a core part of who I am, yet I will never be able to be near it again. I think it's like — he was my town and I'm in exile. Every corner of him is etched into my brain. He will always be there, but I'll never be allowed to see him again. I have to live off the memories we created. I don't know how to live like that. I'm sorry if I —"

Remus reached for his hand and squeezed it. "You don't need to apologize."

"You know I do love you, don't you?"

"Yeah, and I love you. It's just a different kind of love. You and Harry are my family now. Can that be enough?"

Sirius glared at him, his eyes red and tears running down his face. He forced a smile and nodded.

* * *

The door closed with a bang. Snape stepped into the street, leaving Lupin behind to deal with the mess he had made by begging him to stay for a while. The dawn was odd for a winter day; instead of blank white, the skies were amber as if it was April, not January. A weird feeling hit him and it was a few seconds before he shook it off, Apparating back to Hogsmeade and following the path that led to the school gates. It was not a long walk, but it gave him enough time to think about what had just happened. He tried to convince himself that he had been careful about his meetings with Lupin, but the truth was that he had been utterly reckless, to an extent he could not recollect ever before in his lifetime. By now they had met in public places, in the school, in the Order headquarters — he had even taken Lupin to his goddamn house. He was being ridiculous, and he knew that. He fucking knew that. 

They had been seeing each other — he shuddered at the choice of words that made it seem as if they were _dating_ — for roughly a month, but he was already so lost in it. He had given up on safety measures and had taken actions that could compromise not only him, but the whole resistance. When Dumbledore mentioned it, he took it as an offence and fought back, reassuring that he knew exactly what he was doing, but the truth was that Dumbledore was right. He _was_ risking himself. He _was_ endangering everyone. He had _no idea_ what he was doing. He was — he stopped in the middle of the road and groaned, resisting the urge to punch himself in the face for actually forming this thought so clearly in his head, but there it was. He was falling in love. 

He could not remember it happening before, but he was almost positive that no. He had been interested in other men, of course. He had even led casual relationships. But all of them revolved around casual sex and only that. There were never any sentiments involved in the equation — not from his part, at least. He had navigated the world for 36 years now without falling in love with someone. His life had been guided by other (mostly negative) feelings — fear, anger, ambition, isolation, grief, despair, determination. The only positive things he could remember were his camaraderie with his closest colleagues in Hogwarts and his love for Lily. But even what he felt for Lily, as strong and enduring as it was — it was nothing like this. They were feelings made of completely different materials. Lily had been his constant, his compass; Lupin had broken any sense of direction he had. He felt embarrassed for feeling something so cliché, but all he could think about since December was Remus Lupin. How very annoying.

As he reached the school gates, his mind focused on Black's face just minutes before. He had many memories of altercations with him, and most of them had Black looking at him with contempt, but there was always something else; mockery, sarcasm, despise. He was always having some sort of wicked fun when he was making Snape's life hell. That look he had seen that morning, however, was something different: not as if he was disgusted by seeing him kissing Lupin, and more as if he was offended by it. Black had always relied a lot on two things to attack Snape: his gang and his wand. He had always used magic to hurt him, but that morning he looked like he would be willing to actually get his knuckles bloody. He frowned at that thought. What had triggered Black like that? If it was only disgust for Snape there would certainly be some amount of scorn in his face. Was it possible that he was actually _jealous_ of Lupin?

He stopped in his tracks. It couldn't be, could it? Lupin and Black? He felt dizzy for a moment and let the cold air fill his lungs. The sky was now as blank as it should be this time of the year and he looked up, feeling in his bones that it would probably snow later. He resumed walking and finally reached the castle, going straight to the dungeons. When he closed the door behind him, he leaned on it, sighing. His eyes wandered around the room. There were books stacked everywhere, and piles of parchment on the desk in the corner. His eyes then fell on the cauldron, still letting out fumes of the Wolfsbane he had finished brewing just a couple of hours earlier. It was good that the full moon was tonight; this way he wouldn't be tempted to owl Lupin. He needed time to think, to pull himself together and decide what would be his next step while he balanced on what felt like breaking branches.

When he did owl Lupin two days later and invited him to the dungeons, he had made up his mind about a few things. One, he was very much enjoying whatever they were doing for the moment, and only Merlin knew for how long he would be around to enjoy things, so he would like to keep it that way. Two, he was falling in love with Lupin — and that, on the other hand, was something he could not afford; he needed to push him away just a little, establish boundaries and come back to what it was supposed to be from the beginning: no feelings, just sex. He trusted he had the willpower to do that. Or at least he hoped he did.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> okay, that was a long one. the longest so far! I struggled to finish it because I have never written sirius before, and I didn't want to turn him into the bad guy here. I quite enjoyed it, in the end, and I hope I managed to write him in an interesting way even if I'm not a fan of his.
> 
> this is the first part I post after "folklore" won AOTY so yay folklore! does this mean my series is also Grammy award-winning?
> 
> please leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed reading this :)


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